she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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