i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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