i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
