why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He passed out mid-signature
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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