Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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