haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize