Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
