Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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