Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
