You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
