i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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