Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
