hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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