How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize