Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize