Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
