No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You smell like stripper and shame
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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