morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
