I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
