We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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