Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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