I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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