The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
