dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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