I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
