theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
As shirtless as possible
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
