My hair reeks of homosexuality.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
