Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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