you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Dignity is for republicans.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize