Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Randomize
