What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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