Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
