We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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