Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
