i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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