Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
