i wish there were pregnant emoticons
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
