Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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