my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
