Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
