the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
sarcasm needs its own font
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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