I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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