My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
