you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
