so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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