She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
