Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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