I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
