what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
are you so shy because you have an std?
Welp...herpes.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
