Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
