i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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