Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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