Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I skipped work to stalk him.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
