I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
