there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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