A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
