I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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