I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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